| Blargh. |
[14th of July, 2009 at 11:12 am] |
Well, it's Bastille Day again. I feel like freeing a handful of criminals in the name of justice and equality.
Too bad I have jury duty (standby). |
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| If you know Rose... |
[13th of July, 2009 at 04:12 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| |  kittened | ] |
She has a blog, now... it was an effort to inspire an interest other than Team Fortress 2.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) notrosekidson
It's friends only, though, and if she hasn't met you in person, she doesn't get to friend you (sorry).
Also, AKA'S KITTEN HAD KITTENS!!!! Late last night, or rather early this morning. It was like 4 am when I finally came home, and there were just two. But now there are four adorable squirmy cats-to-be in his hall closet (because that's where June decided she wanted to make a nest... it was after we'd ushered her away from the couch area, because she kept sticking the first kitten under the couch-- what if we couldn't get it out?!!)
Pictures? Yes, of course... but they're bad because my camera doesn't care for closet lighting.
In the ( cut... ) |
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| Good gravy... |
[9th of July, 2009 at 12:13 am] |
| [ | Mood? |
| |  crazy | ] |
So here's the thing. About four days ago I stopped taking the Zoloft (I was supposed to). It wasn't cold-turkey or anything, I'd been weening myself off the drug for about a month, smaller doses, and eventually, fewer doses as well.
And now I feel AWFUL.
I'm lethargic and achy, tired all the time (exercise, vitamins, healthier diet appear to have no affect). I have trouble sleeping. I get dizzy, nauseous, and sick at some point during the day. I can't focus on anything (this is bad for driving!!!) and I'm super irritable. I don't know what's wrong with me. The doctor said if I had trouble starting the meds (which, indeed I did; six weeks of nonsense side-effects, actually) I might have trouble getting off of it, but that I should be fine unless I have another anxiety or panic attack.
I haven't yet... No unbearable physical symptoms of anxiety, but riddled with foolish worry just the same. It's only a matter of time, right, before that worry manifests itself physically and I have to start all over?
And in the meantime, I get to spend the remainder of my summer vacation feeling weird and sick, and screwing up my relationships with people I love because I'm a stupid zoloft zombie. (I know, most people don't still have summer vacations, I shouldn't complain...)
Ugh. I hate myself and want to die. I stole that from Tracy like a year ago, but I find it's so often applicable, I don't even feel guilty for stealing.
alskdfhj;aoiwfsdnfawiefhaiwoegfpow egfola sdgnashkj.
I want to quit my new job that I haven't even started yet, find myself a nice cave, and hermit it up for about five years. Everyone should have forgotten me by then. |
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| I'm the worst friend ever... |
[22nd of June, 2009 at 12:02 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| |  crushed | ] |
I just found out, via facebook, that I wasn't invited to my friend Josh's wedding... It looked like a small wedding from the pictures, but no one even told me it was happening. Or that people would all be in OK to celebrate. Or that I should be on the lookout for pictures. I mean... we've been friends since our freshman year in college, and he is one of the elite, original members of my college Boy group. Lately, people haven't been in touch with me much, and likewise, I haven't been in touch with them except to drop a facebook hello every now and then and check up to see how folks are doing... but for some reason, I feel like I should've been there. But they didn't feel like that. So that means I'm a terrible, terrible friend.
I miss them, and I miss college.
Saturday, I was supposed to go eat at this Chinese buffet and watch Firefly with a bunch of my friends *here*... but due to a miscommunication or a failure to communicate altogether, everyone but Aka and I ended up at a totally different restaurant and we were sitting around waiting for 45 minutes for everyone to show up. No one, I guess, thought to call and mention that they had picked a restaurant other than the one I had originally suggested... and eventually, I guess, they decided to call to see why we were late. Because we were both, then, hungry and grouchy, we just went to another restaurant entirely, unrelated to either aforementioned restaurant... and it was fine. But so frustrating. And again, I must just be a terrible friend. I don't understand how everyone else could be in the loop and I'm SO outside of it... when I thought I was helping to make the plans to begin with. It's like... people don't want anything to do with me. Honestly, some days, I can't blame them.
Also, a little old asian man outran me at the rec center today. That's so depressing. One day I will beat him.
And I think my hamster is mangy. Or maybe she's just getting really old. She is losing a lot of hair...
On a happier note, I guess, my boyfriend doesn't hate me and I am going to Chicago on Friday. Hopefully it will be mad cool. And I won't feel so lost (read: travel noob) this time around. :) Oh, and that old asian guy might be faster and have more stamina than me... but when I went to Starbucks afterwards, the guy at the drive through window liked the pirate flag on my car antenna. So, somehow, that makes things a little better.
And I made a website for the fall... I hate to say it, but I will probably have one of the better, or at least more useful, websites of the teachers in our school. Some of their pages are kind of... I mean, they made them in FrontPage, so... but you know what I mean. I didn't even make the original Page O' Coolness in FrontPage (link is actually to the New and Improved Page O' Coolness, as the original PoC is no longer active-- but the guestbook is worth a gander, as most guestbooks are these days... some crazy stuff there). I used the Netscape webpage editor, because FrontPage is more like StupidPage. |
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| Everything is wrong. |
[14th of June, 2009 at 12:37 am] |
| [ | Mood? |
| |  distressed | ] |
It's 2423948023 degrees in this room. I cannot sleep. The air conditioner is on, as are the fans, but it doesn't matter. It's still too flipping hot.
I'm so bad at everything and it's all I can think about.
I'm bad at being a girlfriend. I said terrible things today-- told him he was annoying and that it was a good thing I loved him, when he asked me to take him to Wendy's to get a frosty. It's not like he asks me for stuff all the time. It's not like it was hard. It's not like I'm always charming and adorable, either... so I don't know why I would expect it of anyone else. But for some reason, I decided to be hurtful and horrible, and he had a headache, so I'm sure it seemed that much worse. I'm the world's biggest jerk-- and when I apologized, it apparently made him "feel like shit". I don't even know how to fix that. I'd better figure it out, though, because otherwise, Chicago is going to be miserable. I don't even want to go anymore. I don't want to go anywhere. I want to sit in this sauna of a bedroom and see no one and speak to no one until I die.
I have no money, yet I'm compelled to buy things for people all the time. I don't understand. And it's not even necessary. I keep drawing out of my savings... I can only hope that by playing the hermit for a while, this won't be an issue anymore. I can't afford to have friends. I can't afford to leave the house. I'm out of gas and I don't have enough money in the bank to fill up the car because I'm THAT STUPID.
I got a job, yes. That's super. But the job I got... well, everyone else gets that job right out of college. Everyone but me. It took me 4 extra years to get that job. No one thought I was good enough for that job. I know I'm not good enough for that job. I'll probably break down within the first two weeks, like I always do, quit and throw myself into oncoming traffic. I'm the least organized person I know, the least motivated, and the one virtue I thought I had appears to be waning-- I have no patience for foolishness. And I'm a fool. So I don't even know what to make of that.
My boyfriend doesn't want to talk to my friends or to my family. I try to talk to his family, but they don't have much to say to me. I don't ever see his friends... I think he's ashamed of me, and well... I am getting fatter and stupider every day, so who wouldn't be? I don't know how to make this right. I don't know if it's just a bad sign or if it means I'm doing something wrong or if he just doesn't like any of them. I mean, of course he has the right to like or dislike as he needs to, I just... in my head things would have worked out differently. I must have screwed things up somewhere.
I wish I could sleep... I'd just sleep it all off and everything would be fine in the morning. It won't be, though. The problems won't go away. They'll just be one day worse tomorrow. One day more depressing.
I'm crying for no decent reason, all the time now... It's the beginning of a long, ugly descent into madness and misery.
Ugh. |
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| Some things. |
[12th of June, 2009 at 02:38 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| | content | ] |
* I enjoy summer break. I like not having to be up early, I like being able to stay up late. I love getting to go wherever I want for lunch, and taking more than 20 minutes to eat. I like playing computer games and lounging about like a princess who doesn't have to go to work for a few months and doesn't have money enough to do anything but lounge about.
* That said, I can already tell this is a bad, bad thing. I need something to do with myself. I'm withering away into chubbiness and my intellect is leaking out both ears. Also, it's too hot. And I'm bored.
* I bought The Sims 3, and yes, it's awesome and addictive. It's in some ways much more flexible than the other Sims games, and in some ways, we're limited (I trust they'll take care of that in a few $40 expansion packs...)
* I'm addicted to NPR. So random. So interesting, and when it isn't interesting, it's at least helping to counter my hours spent not thinking. :) There's one lady on there though I can't stand. Diane somebody. She's gotta be like 23428 years old and her voice makes me want to take a nap or punch someone. She's rude to her guests and her callers, although I don't think she means to be, but I don't care-- the path to obnoxious radio personality is probably paved with lack of malicious intentions.
* Mmmm... so much greek food.
* I got a real teaching job. I'll be teaching special ed math next fall. In a middle school. Just... pray for me. This summer needs to be an exercise in organization, not laziness... and I should be refilling my 44oz iced-cold cup of patience. I'll need it. It'll be nice to make actual adult money. I think... I think I might buy a smart phone. They're just so darn cool...
* I'm going back to Chicago with (GASP) the boy June 26-29, so hopefully that will fuel my Livejournaling for a little bit.
* I don't know why I'm so negligent about writing these days. It's terrible. I used to write every day. Now, maybe, once every two weeks-- once a month more like... I'm inclined to think it's due to the medication I am taking (which, by the way, I'm supposed to be weening myself off of in the coming weeks, so expect a variety of moody and inexplicable/incoherent journaling from that as well), which has made the world seem less... er... stressful. Still frustrating, but not throw-yourself-in-front-of-a-moving-car frustrating. Still sad, but not curl-up-in-a-fetal-position-and-hide-from-the-world sad. I think (in my head) I've just had less to vent about, and less to seek sympathy for... so LJ hasn't been a priority.
* Speaking of meds, the Zoloft has apparently been causing me to gain weight. To the tune of about 20 pounds since I started it in October. THAT'S why I've been getting so chubby... I mean, I'm sure the sitting around after work and sleeping as much as possible probably haven't helped, but it's nice to know that it's not *just* that I've been completely lazy. I didn't think it made sense-- I've been lazy for YEARS. My eating and activity habits have not changed at all. In fact, if anything, I'm more careful about what I eat and when than I was in college. So why do I randomly gain a ton of weight now? Maybe, when I'm done taking it, I'll lose a little of what I've put on. You know, in between the episodes of uncontrollable panic and irrational fear.
* I really like this show with Nathan Fillion called CASTLE... It's cheeky murder-mystery TV fun. Check it out. Maybe it won't get cancelled for no reason.
* McDonald's has really good iced mochas... and fruit parfaits. The latter is just vanilla yogurt and fruit, but I approve. I have never been a McDonald's hater, but it rarely appeals to me. It's usually just something I eat because someone else has suggested it or there's nothing else nearby. But I appreciate a relatively inexpensive adult coffee drink any day. |
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| asl;kdgjaldgsj |
[23rd of May, 2009 at 01:59 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| |  annoyed | ] |
This is cute.
I may be getting a job for the summer. I may be getting a job for the fall. I may be going on a trip. I may be going on two trips.
It's all uncertain. I have a talent for uncertainty! I don't like it. |
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| Arrrrgh. |
[16th of May, 2009 at 11:06 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| | distressed | ] |
Why do I suck so much as a girlfriend?? |
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| I wish everything would stop for a minute... |
[9th of May, 2009 at 09:42 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| | frustrated | ] |
... and because it never will, I want to hide. I don't want to see people, I don't want to do things, I can't be happy. I'm pretty sure I'm making the people around me miserable.
And in less than a month, I get to go to the doctor to talk about getting *off* the zoloft.
I know my life doesn't suck. I have a great family and happy friends. I have a great boyfriend, who will probably end up leaving me because I'm insane and also stupid, but it's nice now. Wheels are turning at work and I may get a real job one day. I don't want for anything. I don't go without. I am not terminally ill, or not to the best of my knowledge.
It still *seems* like it sucks sometimes. |
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| ... |
[12th of April, 2009 at 10:10 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| | depressed | ] |
I feel so inadequate. I could cry or scream or run into traffic.
I am unskilled, and will never have a decent paying job that doesn't involve imparting good manners and basic math skills unto the abandoned youth of our unwell community.
I am unintelligent, and will never understand things that my family, friends, and boyfriend find fascinating and entertaining.
I am unstable, and will apparently never be happy for more than about 36 hours at a time.
Things that suck:
* I don't have any real Excel skills.
* I have no job experiences outside of the field of education.
* I can't articulate feelings unless I'm typing them.
* I don't understand the functions and intricacies of software or hardware.
* I have a computer case and will never be able to 1) afford to put parts in it, 2) know where those parts go, 3) be able to fix it if anything ever goes awry (which things are likely to do, since it is a computer).
* I have work tomorrow, and a monkey could do my job, and probably that monkey wouldn't be satisfied with the pay either.
* Cat is getting married and moving away.
* I don't get paid for another 8 days... and then I won't be paid for another month after that.
* I have very few friends.
* I am not a priority for any of the friends that I consider priorities.
* I'm getting fatter every day and I don't know why.
* I hate the way I look.
* I refuse to have sex until I'm married... or at least engaged... and this is problematic because I'm the only person left who doesn't think that's a crazy idea.
* I said a bad word today. Out loud.
* I am... unsatisfied with my life and do not know how I am supposed to fix that.
A lot of those started with "I". I should add one more, I guess.
* I am incredibly self-centered and difficult to get along with.
I just want to... pound my head into a wall. Or quit my job and move into the woods. Or die. Everything is wrong. No, a lot of things are good and I am very lucky, but... everything in me is wrong because I cannot appreciate it, even though I know I should be overwhelmed with gratitude. *I* must be broken. *I* am doing it wrong. It's not everything else, it's just me. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Hate, hate, hate. |
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| (no subject) |
[1st of April, 2009 at 05:00 pm] |
Are these eyebrows for real?! |
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| Today I hate my emo self... |
[21st of March, 2009 at 01:49 am] |
| [ | Mood? |
| |  stupid | ] |
Sometimes I wish something really terrible would happen so that I would have to set all my petty crap aside in order to deal with it like a normal person. You know... real issues, real emotions, real trouble, real trauma. I don't really wish it, I guess. Of course not. I probably wouldn't be able to handle it. But I hate how fickle I am. I hate how quickly my moods can change, how selfish I can be, how oblivious I am to the needs and well-being of the people around me, how I can think one terrible thing while doing the opposite with a smile. I used to be so nice, so polite, so giving, so thoughtful... or maybe I was just as selfish as I am now and simply less aware of it. I don't know. I don't like it, either way.
Pretty much... this has not been the best spring break ever. It was supposed to be, but plans changed and no one asked me first. I hate change, and now I have a ton of homework to do in two days. |
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| I am trapped... |
[15th of March, 2009 at 12:06 am] |
| [ | Mood? |
| | annoyed | ] |
I wanted to stay the night. One night. Not do anything bad or impure or skanky or disreuptable, just cuddle and sleep and wake up next to a wonderful boy. Once. And because my family randomly changes plans, I don't get to do that. At all. Ever. I'm 26, but everything I do revolves around whether what I'm doing would receive the parental stamp of approval. Sleeping over at a boy's house would not. And the rest of my week is spoken for... plans made for me. I'm just... I'm tired of it. I want to run away and hide and not talk to anyone I know now for three months. Not do any favors, not run any errands, not make any selfish purchases to compensate for my lack of freedom. Just hide. And chill. And think. And grow up a little bit.
That won't happen.
Buffy did that, though... Between seasons 2 and 3. I know this because today while I was wallowing and desperately trying to clean my room, while my family was making an unnecessarily brief trip to Oklahoma, I was able to watch some 10 episodes of Buffy. I empathize with her Angel issues. Except I'M NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL. I haven't finished season 3... but I hope Angel comes back from hell and starts behaving appropriately for a vampire boyfriend. Also, I hope Buffy is able to move out and sleep over at Angel's place as often as she likes, even though she would probably be sleeping there without him, since vampires run around and party all night. |
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| Man... |
[8th of March, 2009 at 02:00 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| |  fat | ] |
I'm getting so fat. I've got chub in places I've never had chub before. It might be the medicine, but mostly, I think, it's that I'm a lazy bum. So I'm not drinking cokes anymore. And I am going to try to eat vegetables instead of acting like one. We'll see how it goes. |
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| Obligatory Update No. ?? |
[9th of February, 2009 at 06:21 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| | anxious | ] |
Gracious.
I have been in it and out of it, up and down, hopeless and blissful for like a month. Not every day, I'm not insane. But perhaps I'm on my way.
I get stressed out easily these days. Waiting in lines, being corrected, growling at children, paying for things, driving, eating, bathing, breathing; pretty much everything that isn't sleeping has become a lot more patience-intensive lately, and I don't know why. It's no good. It's like, I feel things spinning out of (my) control, and don't know how to make it stop. Things in the house are breaking, people are sick, every weekend is planned-- and sometimes... sometimes I feel like I need to stop doing EVERYTHING for a week, stop thinking and stop dealing, so that I don't just... combust. It wouldn't be spontaneous. The way my head spins, it's a wonder it's not already on fire. There's a fair amount of friction up there when I starting thinking about things.
However, all this is balanced, for better or worse, by the adolescent girlish glee that comes with being attached to an amazing boy. Contented sighing and dreamy far-off looks, hearts in my notebooks and extraordinarily poor time-management; all of that. When I'm not crying myself to sleep, I'm grinning like an idiot. I guess... I mean... Probably this is good. Better to feel extremely than averagely-- life would be boring. But I only assume this is true, because I don't think I've felt averagely in a long time.
Today, though, was a stressful day. For no good reason.
My skin is freaking out... it's dry and scaly and red and blotchy and bumpy-- I've tried a million fixes in the last week or so, but nothing's seemed to help for very long. Hopefully when the weather settles down, and it's not 85 degrees and 32 degrees in the same day, my skin will settle down too, but in the meantime it's way annoying and embarrassing.
Aka told me he was going to help me build a computer... maybe this summer. I'm way excited about it-- I should be saving so I can buy parts. It's supposed to be in an effort to help me study for the A+ exam, since I can't see myself working another year in a middle school without cracking. I've been talking about IT stuff and cubicle work for years, though, so I don't think this is far off. And maybe it will lead to a web design and maintenance job like I hoped for. We'll see.
I ended up dropping my Photoshop class. I was taking Web Design 2, Photoshop 1 and PC Operating Systems... of the three, Photoshop was the most difficult to keep up with, and it was online (which is nasty-- online classes suck). I'm hoping to take it in the summer, in a classroom. I really do better with demonstration when it comes to software training... I can't do the read-it-on-the-computer-and-make-it-happen-in-real-life approach to learning. Maybe if there were like... podcasts and videos involved. But there were neither. So it didn't work out. Oh well.
I should be doing my homework, but I need to take a shower and I am super crazy tired for some reason, so... merf. |
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| January FTW |
[21st of January, 2009 at 09:44 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| | chipper | ] |
So... it's been a pretty radical month. I mean, besides the stupid weather (tomorrow it will be 70, Friday 85, Saturday 35... because nature thinks temperatures are a funny joke) and my allergies acting up-- they're confused, and I can't blame them. To make me miserable or to let me be? Today they agreed to the former with an impressive enthusiasm and dedication. Sniffle, sniffle...
But wait! Lovely things abound--
1) I have a tablet to play with, as some of you may have noticed from the sudden rush (and just as sudden scarcity) of Facebook "art"...
2) Wolverine & The Power Pack comics: CRAZY ADORABLE
3) Rose is now 10! No Kidson remains in the category of Kidsons Aging in Single Digits.
4) We went back to school (work) the 5th, but two weeks later had several easy days when the children took their finals, and we just came back from a long weekend.
5) YOGURTLAND
6) I have the best boyfriend ever... Really, really!
7) I finally found Eisley CDs
8) Tomorrow I get to go to Cat's fancy school buffet... and the doctor's office... but most importantly, I do not have to go to work (hoorah for "personal days"! they are magical!)
9) My new classes started and while they will no doubt keep me very busy, I think they'll be super fun. I kind of can't wait to be in a position somewhere that actually allows me to use all this stuff I'm learning.
10) We have a new president! He is kind of hot, also... but I didn't really say that. I'm not shallow, and I definitely care about politics, a lot. I'm doing it right now, actually! I'm caring about them!... it!...some!... whatever.
11) Several of my aunts and uncles got tickets to the inauguration... and one of my aunts even went to the inaugural ball! Amazing!
12) I found this lotion that smells like lemon cake and fruit loops. That may sound gross, but it's soooooo gooooooood.
13) Battlestar Galactica.
14) I no longer have an ulcer in my eye. This is an improvement on a few weeks ago, when I did have an ulcer in my eye. Not as bad as it sounds, although, untreated, it could apparently lead to terrrrrrrible, terrrrrrible things. Don't overwear your contacts.
15) I bought gas today and it only cost me $22!
There are probably a million more things I could write, but that would make for a gratuitously long and annoying post, and it would throw off the groove of your collective friends pages. That's not why I write, contrary to the evidence of previous entries. I just... I never write about all the awesome things that are happening. And when I do, they're not generally the focus. So I need to remind myself that I am lucky and that life is good. |
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| Let's see if this works... |
[20th of January, 2009 at 10:10 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| | frustrated | ] |
Feb. 2009 Playlist... Trying to post it in LJ because MySpace and Facebook are being stupid.
Edit: asdkfjalsdkjf. So much fail.
Here it is...
More for posterity than anything. But if we have similar taste in music, you might enjoy it. |
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| (no subject) |
[5th of January, 2009 at 08:54 pm] |
| [ | Mood? |
| |  giggly | ] |
So... I was going to spend the break working on a website to help the children study for their finals. Instead I did an awful lot of other things.
Now they have finals in a week and a half, and I have nothing. I'm considering scrapping the idea in favor of a prank website with no deadline, promoting a coworker's beet farm/bed & breakfast... à la Schrute Farms.
Yay... I hear they have a special Galactica Suite. Looks like this, I think. :D |
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| (no subject) |
[1st of January, 2009 at 11:37 am] |
| [ | Mood? |
| | giddy | ] |
It's... pirate soda? I can has? |
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